Hey there, everyone!
As we keep learning to manage our stress and cortisol levels by tuning into our emotions, we’ve been exploring unmet needs that often play a significant role in our emotional stress. In our previous blog post, we looked into my personal journey of learning the art of grieving. I hope you found it enlightening and reassuring.
Today, let’s journey together into another essential aspect of self-growth: boundaries. This is one of those life skills that many of us might not have been taught well during our formative years. It’s a skill I’ve been learning and refining, and I’m excited to share how God has been a guiding presence in this transformative process. I’ll share with you how, with God’s guidance, some of my boundaries transformed from electric fences into beautiful, life-enriching boundaries. It might seem improbable, but with God, possibilities are boundless!
So, what does this reparenting with God entail? It’s about identifying the gaps in our emotional development by paying attention to our intense feelings, which often point to unmet childhood needs. Then, it involves actively educating ourselves in areas where we may have lacked knowledge.
One crucial aspect of this education is learning about the importance of boundaries. It’s understanding that boundaries are not only acceptable but essential. God provides us with numerous examples of boundaries in His divine design, and the most powerful boundary of all is love. Love opposes anything that goes against divine, unconditional love, and this is where boundaries come into play.
Remember, asserting the right to say “no” is a fundamental God-given right, regardless of any childhood messages that may have suggested otherwise.
My goal today isn’t to present you with a comprehensive lesson on boundaries, as there are numerous excellent resources available if you’d like to explore the topic more deeply. I’ve personally studied many books, attended various teachings, and listened to numerous talks on boundaries, gleaning valuable insights from each source.
Yet, the challenge with boundaries lies in the practical application. It’s one thing to get cognitive knowledge about boundaries and shift our beliefs regarding them. Still, it’s an entirely different endeavor to implement these boundaries successfully, especially when we’re still susceptible to emotional triggers that can plunge us into fight-or-flight responses as we attempt to learn new ways of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. It can feel like a lot to handle.
So, please keep in mind that every small step you take on this journey matters and contributes to the greater goal. Remember the old saying: “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” Small steps count, and they add up over time.
What I’m sharing with you in this blog is just a glimpse of how God has worked in my life to help me navigate the complex topic of boundaries and guide me through the process of making them beautiful—something I never thought possible. I vividly remember a time when a counselor challenged me, pointing out that what I had built were not boundaries but solid brick walls.
Now, as I reflect on my journey and better understand my own story, I can see why these walls were erected. They were constructed during periods of fight-or-flight survival mode when I felt utterly alone, needing to defend and protect myself after everything else seemed to have failed. Perhaps you can relate; maybe you’ve experienced something similar and have even felt ashamed of it. In my case, I often tried to be a people-pleaser and downplayed my own needs, believing I could manage without having them met. When that still didn’t provide the safety I yearned for, I resorted to what I can only describe as a grizzly bear mode, which, in hindsight, explains the walls I had built.
If your story bears a resemblance to mine, I hope you find compassion welling up within you as you reflect on why your boundaries evolved the way they did. This growth in self-compassion is similar to a homecoming, an event that deserves acknowledgment. So, there I was, confronted by my counselor about these brick walls, yet the truth was, at that point, I had no idea how to construct boundaries any other way.
I’ve come a long way since then, and I’ve learned a ton about boundaries. For instance, I discovered that some of them can be quite flexible, and it’s been eye-opening to understand what that flexibility looks like. I’ve also realized that in order to establish healthy boundaries, I need to have a deep understanding of who I am in my truest, God-created self. It’s not about trying to control other people’s behavior; it’s about setting boundaries that work for me. And let me tell you, there’s so much more to learn about boundaries than I ever imagined! Who would have thought it could be this intricate?
One of the most remarkable aspects of this journey has been how God has personally guided me in refining my boundaries. I often found myself wrestling with the seemingly conflicting advice from ‘experts’ in the field on setting boundaries with toxic individuals and what I felt was expected of me as a Christian. Perhaps you’ve experienced a similar tug-of-war within yourself. It’s been quite the puzzle, and for a while, it left me feeling utterly confused.
I want to emphasize right from the start that I’ve always felt God’s unwavering support in keeping me safe. It’s been a critical compass for me on this journey. In fact, one of the ways God clarified His approval for me setting boundaries was by showing me that if a situation was hindering my growth, it couldn’t be something aligned with His plans. After all, He tells us in John 15 that He’s all about abundant harvest, fruitfulness, and growth in our lives. So, I took steps to create a space that allowed me to flourish. I became increasingly aware of moments when my growth was stunted by intrusive factors, and that’s when I knew I needed to adjust my boundaries to protect my personal growth. It was incredibly liberating to set this as a boundary.
But, a word of caution: be prepared for the guilt factor to creep in. Setting boundaries can often make you feel like the entire world is critiquing your choices. And let me be clear, I don’t want to give the impression that I’ve always gotten everything right. Maybe in hindsight, I’ll see a better way to handle a boundary I set, but at the time, it felt right. What I noticed, though, was that with almost every boundary I established, there was resistance, opposition, judgment, and my inner critic chiming in to make me feel guilty, as if I was doing something wrong.
But I firmly believe that if I’m truly doing something wrong, God will convict me in a way that propels me toward growth and healing. His conviction feels like His gentle guidance, urging me to move forward toward producing more of the fruit of the Spirit. On the other hand, guilt that keeps me stuck and tormented is not from Him; it’s a tool of the enemy to hold us back. So, don’t let the guilt deter you; instead, let God’s loving conviction lead you towards the beautiful boundaries He has in store for you.
One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned in this whole boundary journey is to continually bring it all to God. That includes the guilt I sometimes felt. I’d take these feelings of guilt to Him in prayer. I also brought the expert opinions and advice to God, especially when I felt a clash between His growth principle and the need to set firm boundaries with destructive individuals in my life.
There were moments when I’d spend much-needed time in prayer, seeking clarity from God on how to navigate upcoming challenges. These challenges could easily tempt me to put up a metaphorical electric fence or a brick wall, as my counselor pointed out. I found myself wrestling with questions like: How do I cultivate love for those I need protection from, especially when I want to love them because I know God cares about them too? And how can I simultaneously cultivate God’s heart for myself to be protected?
It’s become clear to me that only God Himself holds the answers to these complex dilemmas. It’s in those moments of seeking His wisdom and guidance that I’ve discovered amazing insights from Him and a path toward making my boundaries not only strong but also beautiful.
What unfolded in these situations wasn’t an either-or scenario. Instead, God was after my heart. He used these challenges, which initially seemed like a tug-of-war between setting firm boundaries and embodying His love, to teach me a priceless lesson. He was teaching me how to channel His agape love, even when I felt like I had none of my own to offer. Each time I faced such a challenge, God provided me with clear steps on how to proceed, what to say, and even how to anticipate potential worst-case scenarios.
I’d like to emphasize a valuable tool that I discovered during this process. Some refer to it as “playing the movie in your head” before actually experiencing it. The idea is to envision your best self managing a situation as you sense God guiding you. You play it like a movie in your mind, rehearsing it at least three times while considering every possible scenario, including the worst ones and how you will respond from your new creation self. I must admit I didn’t always make it through all three repetitions in my mind, but here’s the good news: even the attempts made a significant difference, or rather it’s more accurate to say that God blessed my efforts.
The outcomes were indeed victorious. In challenging boundary-setting situations, I managed to stay emotionally regulated. I effectively communicated my needs in a way that was genuinely heard. Additionally, I shared thoughts that served as subtle invitations for the other person to embark on their own journey of growth and healing, provided they chose to follow those clues. At the same time, I established the necessary boundaries that prevented constant emotional drainage and allowed me to focus on my personal growth.
What’s truly remarkable about this experience is how it aligns with 1 Thessalonians 5:15, which encourages us to “always seek to do good to one another and to everyone.” When we define “good” according to God’s standards, we discover that what’s good for us is also be good for others. It’s awe-inspiring to witness how God’s ways lead to outcomes that benefit everyone involved.
Amidst this transformative journey, I want to share a little personal touch. You see, I have this kitchen window that offers a simple yet wonderful view of our side yard, nothing extravagant, just a fence. However, we decided to replace the conventional fence with a chain-link one. Why? To invite more sunlight into our yard and gain a glimpse of the field that stretches along our boundary line, shared with our neighbor. Little did we know what joy this decision would bring.
This summer, our chosen jasmine plant adorned the fence, bursting into vibrant blooms. The fragrance filled the air every time I stepped out into the yard. But that’s not all; there was an additional delight. Almost like clockwork, as I stood there washing my breakfast bowl each morning, I would glance out the window and witness a hummingbird. It would gracefully flit from one jasmine blossom to another, occasionally pausing to rest on a twig.
This delicate hummingbird, with its vibrant colors and graceful flight, had become a daily reminder for me. A reminder of the beauty that surrounds us when we learn to create boundaries that are not just effective but beautiful. Just as the hummingbird finds its way among the blossoms, we can navigate life’s challenges with grace when we embrace the concept of beautiful boundaries.
And one day, as I was witnessing the same sight again, including watching the deer graze in the field, suddenly, it felt like God was speaking directly to my heart.
It was like he was saying to me, “You need fences, my child. Without them, the deer will feast on your blueberries and beautiful flowers. But you can make beautiful fences.”
I was so touched by that revelation! God was showing me that boundaries, just like those fences, can be beautiful. And the previous night, during that challenging conversation I agreed to have, it was as if I was building a beautiful fence with God’s words, allowing His agape love to flow through me as part of the boundary-setting process.
Sure, I could have put up a straight, rigid fence, and that wouldn’t have been entirely wrong. But look at what’s happening now. I’m experiencing so much more beauty in my life – growth, surrender, humility, trust, and agape love flowing through me. These are things I couldn’t have mustered up on my own. All because I said yes to God’s vision for a beautiful fence that benefits not just me but everyone involved.
There’s a unique thrill and reward in walking away from a situation knowing that God’s agape love had its way, even when you felt like you had nothing to offer. It did take time, wrestling with myself, intentional effort, and a lot of humility and surrender. But the reward? Absolutely worth it!
Do you remember a few blog posts back when we talked about cultivating gratitude and beauty in our lives? About being present and savoring the good things, the moments when something seems just right. I want to share with you something I count among these energizing and regulating gifts – the beauty of the flowers adorning my fence.
The exquisite blossoms exuding a fragrant scent that fills the air, hummingbirds darting from bloom to bloom, and deer gracefully grazing in the field beyond. These gifts are like a symphony of nature that I get to witness every day. And it’s all thanks to the boundaries I’ve learned to create, boundaries that aren’t just walls or barriers to keep chaos at bay.
What I’ve come to realize is that boundaries can be works of art, lovingly designed to protect the sanctity of our space while allowing beauty to flourish. It’s a revelation only God, so much wiser than me – the Creator of all boundaries, both seen and unseen showed me.
We do need fences in our lives, much like the one guarding my garden from deer. But these aren’t your average fences; they are beautiful, life-giving boundaries that harmonize with the world around us. I’m grateful that God keeps using everyday object lessons to remind me of the profound impact of agape love, staying regulated amidst challenges that used to trigger me, the joys of surrender and humility, and the satisfaction of partnering with His heart.
All of this healing and nourishment has transformed my well-being, replacing stress with the abundant energy of joy, gratitude, worship, and love. It’s a journey worth taking, and I encourage you to explore the beauty of boundaries in your own life.
In my journey of fine-tuning boundaries, I’ve come to understand that God’s ultimate boundary is love. Love acts as a firm boundary against all that is contrary to divine, unconditional love—fear, manipulation, control, and harm. When we boldly say no to these negative forces, we’re essentially saying yes to a boundary defined by love.
Through countless challenging conversations and encounters, God has been my guide in this boundary-making process. What I’ve learned is that boundaries need not be rigid walls; they can be beautiful expressions of God’s agape love flowing through us. It’s about finding that delicate balance between safeguarding our inner sanctum and allowing the fragrance of love and grace to permeate every corner of our lives.
So, if you ever find yourself in need of fences—whether to protect your emotional garden, your precious time, or your hard-earned peace—here’s a nugget of encouragement: You can craft beautiful boundaries. Seek God’s guidance in the art of boundary-making, ones that not only honor your growth and preserve your heart but also create space for his transformative love to flourish.
If you have to have a fence, make it a beautiful one! Ask God to reveal how to create boundaries that provide protection without stifling His love and beauty in the process. He’s not interested in leaving you unprotected, and with His guidance, you can fashion some truly beautiful fences that harmonize with the abundant life He desires for you.
You are right, boundaries are easy to talk about but often hard to put into action consistently. Thanks for your experience and this valuable information on boundaries.
Thank you so much for reading, Jackie! I am so glad it was valuable to you! 💕