From Pain Into Purpose

I don’t know anyone who likes pain, and I also don’t know anyone who has figured out a good way to avoid it.

Despite its inevitability, many of us were never taught how to manage it constructively. We all have defenses against pain. Some are subtle, like procrastinating or excessive screen time; others are obvious, like substance abuse. We all try to avoid pain, but these behaviors don’t address it long-term and often leave us feeling ashamed rather than healed.

Growing up, I faced the pain of emotional neglect and silent suffering. I developed a ‘make the best of what I have’ defense to minimize the impact of the lack I experienced. This coping mechanism made me highly efficient but also judgmental toward anyone who couldn’t do the same. This judgmental attitude was a response to my unacknowledged pain and resentment. What I subconsciously thought would protect me actually resulted in me feeling alone and isolated, much like what I was trying to avoid. My heart craved connection, but without receiving compassion for my struggles, I couldn’t extend it to others, especially in situations that reminded me of my own unmet needs.

When I investigated my behaviors, I traced them back to unmet needs. My fierce independence and efficiency masked deep-seated pain. I needed compassionate connection but never received it, leading to judgmental tendencies. If we can’t muster compassion for someone, it often points to an area where we didn’t receive compassion and had to toughen up, causing us to judge those who don’t cope as we did.

No one likes pain or celebrates it, despite James’ exhortation to consider it joy when facing trials. It’s hard to get excited about troubles because we don’t know how to support ourselves through them. Learning to show up for ourselves during pain, especially when others can’t, is crucial. Once we develop this skill, we become less afraid and more resilient.

I didn’t know how to do this initially. But I had a connection with God and started there. I experienced validation from God long before I knew what it was and how it interrupts the pain cycle. He taught me that by loving myself more, I could be more open to His love. I learned that I could be the barrier to experiencing God’s healing love. Learning to receive comfort from God taught me compassion for myself. This growth process helped me develop strengths I never knew I had and allowed me to extend comfort and compassion to others.

When we experience pain and suffering, it’s easy to fall into bitterness. The number one trap is blaming God and getting angry with Him. While it’s okay to be honest with God about our feelings, the trap is assuming He is to blame. God tells us that all good things come from Him, and anything with the fingerprint of death, loss, and destruction is the enemy’s work. Even when our own bad decisions cause pain, it’s because we partnered with ideas and attitudes not from God.

As I wrestled with God over the painful things in my life, He invited me to partner with Him in sorting through my circumstances. This partnership helped me identify who was truly responsible for the pain. Trusting God’s word, I set out to believe that destruction and loss were not from Him and that He hadn’t abandoned me.

God repeatedly modeled validation for me. I learned to validate myself instead of believing the lie that my pain didn’t matter. What did this look like? I went to God with my hurt and grievances and asked Him what He had to say about it. Overwhelmingly, God got on my level, acknowledged the pain, and gently showed me how He knew that pain all too well. Each time He shared His own experiences of similar pain, it helped. He didn’t one-up me; instead, He empathized, saying, “I get it, it is hard, and it isn’t fun at all.”

He also reminded me of 1 Corinthians 4:17, which says our present troubles are small and temporary compared to the eternal glory they produce. This perspective shift was incredibly redemptive. Though lots of faith was required for me to allow God to change my view on pain, it saved me from bitterness, transforming my heart into a softer, more sensitive one. Each character trait developed through God’s validation and love became a piece of a beautiful mosaic.

Now that I know how to be present with pain instead of avoiding it, I’m not afraid to sit with others in their suffering. I can offer validation and comfort, helping them break the pain cycle. The pain cycle goes: Painful event – lack of compassion – numb pain through chosen behavior – shame – more pain – more pain avoidance, and so it goes. My pain cycle started breaking when I became aware of my main destructive behaviors and called out to Him when I noticed I was about to engage in them. Allowing Him to interrupt my well-trodden path with His compassion resulted in healing and growth, eventually allowing others to receive healing and comfort through me from Him.

God creates beautiful mosaics from our broken pieces, making all things work for good. He turns our pain into something far more significant than we could imagine. I often hear phrases like “He allowed it because…” I’m not here to argue about it. I just prefer what I felt He was telling me when I sought Him. He is not happy that it happened but will make it worth it because of His goodness and His promise of Romans 8:28. This helps me look for signs of the fulfillment of that promise instead of focusing on the damage. Studies show that what we look for, we see more of. There will always be destruction, death, and loss. But there will always be more goodness, redemption, and resurrection. We just haven’t trained ourselves to look for it as much.

I invite you to ask God into your pain. Allow Him to comfort and validate you until your heart overflows with compassion for others. By partnering with God, our pain can be transformed into a source of strength and purpose. This journey brings healing not just for us, but for those around us. Embrace the reality that there is beauty He can create from the broken pieces, even if you can’t see the design yet.