This is post 19 in the Living Fully Alive blog series. Please consider reading the series in order posted for the best learning experience.
In the previous post we have seen how judgment and shame began. In this post let’s look at what self-judgment is. It is basically looking at the sum of everything in our lives and making a value appraisal about who we are, disconnected from love. As such, self-judgment creates hiddenness.
None of us can provide an environment where unconditional love can grow until we enter the process of loving ourselves. If we want an environment around us that is full of unconditional love, we need to stop hiding from ourselves first of all. One way to do this is by asking ourselves some deep questions.
What am I holding on to in my life because of self-judgment?
Where have I determined I am unlovable because of something I have done or because of something done to me?
In what areas of my life do I hide?
What things do I not share?
You can pause and journal about these now if you like, or come back to them later. If you find it difficult to answer these questions, maybe a few future posts about connecting to our heart will help you make progress.
When we have judged ourselves, we end up only sharing what we have judged acceptable, and that may end up not being very much. Then we wonder why we don’t feel close to people. How can they know us if all we share is what we decided passes our scrutiny? Consequently, we remain hidden.
These evaluations of our worth can show up in positive and negative ways.
Positive examples would be circumstances in which we judge ourselves successful, such as graduating at the top of our class, making lots of money, getting that promotion, achieving the right size, being famous, and so on. As we reach these objectives, our self-talk is “I am awesome, I am smart, I have made it, I look great”, and many more like these. Insert your successes here and investigate if you have decided to take value from those achievements.
Sooner or later we all encounter the reverse. A job loss has us convinced we are losers who will never amount to anything. An inattentive husband makes us ugly and undesirable. Rebellious kids announce we are horrible, no good parents who will end up alone and never seeing our grandkids. If you are anything like me, it will take some work to discern what you are telling yourself in those situations. I am not consciously tuned into what I say to myself, because if I tell myself anything, it’s not spoken out loud, rather a nonverbal kind of conclusion. I find it tricky to spot them most of the time. However, I am determined to find out, mostly by praying for revelation, but also by taking a good look at my prover.
It is easy to ask, what’s so bad about the good ways these assessments work? Isn’t it great to be successful and popular etc.? Because we are disconnected from unconditional love where we don’t have to judge good or bad, we find ourselves incessantly making judgments of worth, either pride or shame. Everyone likes to be measured when the measuring is high. But when it is low it suddenly becomes detrimental. If a measuring gadget can measure good, it can also measure bad. The same ruler that gives me value one moment will condemn me in another. God did not give us tools to measure our worth by, none. We were always supposed to be loved as we transform. Both pride and shame open us up to fear. Pride fears falling, shame fears being discovered, and they are both rooted in self-judgment. If our value is tied into something external like work or people, eventually an expected result will not materialize. Some efforts reach the desired aim, but others not at all. That same gauge that indicates I have value today, judges me worthless and undeserving of love tomorrow.
In contrast, we know from John that perfect love, unconditional love drives out fear.
Love never brings fear, for fear is always related to punishment. But love’s perfection drives the fear of punishment far from our hearts. Whoever walks constantly afraid of punishment has not reached love’s perfection. By living in God, love has been brought to its full expression in us so that we may fearlessly face the day of judgment, because all that Jesus now is, so are we in this world.
1 John 4:17-18
God says we do not lose value in his sight, regardless of what we do or don’t do. Jesus took the punishment we are afraid of. In him, there is no condemnation, no punishment. Remember, we can come boldly because of his grace. It is time to stop getting our value from a place outside of ourselves.
Take a look at this clip to get an idea of why God wants you in an environment of love. He wants you to thrive. We can’t let others influence us away from thriving. We need to make what we listen to come from God.
Did you notice how the plant that got ignored was even worse off than the one that got hating words spoken over it? I shudder when I think of the many children who are growing up mostly ignored and raised by screens. The statistics about how much time the average child spends isolated and with no human interaction are staggering. To be ignored is not a neutral and harmless experience. Neglect appears to be even more harmful than judgmental verbal assault. If you have been neglected in your growing up years, I hope this validates the pain you feel from it even though the mainstream probably made you feel guilty for the pain because they believe it was not as bad as more overt abusive interactions.
If I allow others to grade me, I am at their mercy and feel out of control, powerless. This is exactly what happens though, as I self-judge, because as I do so, I also allow others close to me to judge me. Say, my husband is irritated with me because I did something wrong. Am I now going to feel bad about myself because he acts like I should feel bad about myself, or should I run to Abba’s lap and get reaffirmed that it’s ok and that I am still as lovable as before? People close to us can get all sorts of feelings in response to what we do, and if we are not connected to unconditional love, we wait for how they respond and that would make us determine if we are a good or bad person. If that is how we function, then we will attempt to manipulate the other person so he/she will not experience bad emotions, because if they are unhappy with us, we can’t feel good about ourselves either.
I loved Abi’s visualization exercise for those of us who realize we have been allowing others to grade us. Imagine a glowing ball full of moving, vibrant life, full of what makes me ‘me’ in all my uniqueness. Now watch yourself give that ball to someone else. The ball immediately stops glowing and turns into a dark, ash-like substance. The ball is your worth. It doesn’t work in other people’s hands. You need to be aware you have this ball, and you can only keep it alive and vibrant if you hold it between you and God. Not only can other people get frustrated with you and not be a trustworthy bearer of your ball, but most of the time they are not even aware that you have given it to them and they might drop it without knowing it. This would result in you feeling utterly worthless. Picture yourself taking your ball, your worth back. Place it in between you and God in a face to face position, and see the ball become alive and vibrant again. You can even ask God, “does this ball have worth?” Don’t ask others if you have worth. Their answer may change from moment to moment.
Repeat after me if you like: “I am lovable. I am valuable. I am worthy of care, goodness and love.” I encourage you to say this over yourself every day just like it was said over the plant and observe what happens over the course of a month! I would love to hear about your experience!
Anytime anyone says something about us, is mad at us, we need to get into the habit of taking it to God and ask him what he thinks about it, and what he says. Then we need to take that truth straight from God and apply it to ourselves, fully receiving it.
To learn more about the Living Fully Alive Course, please click the hyperlink.
