Welcome back to our emotion-packed adventure! So far, we explored how to name and even sit with our emotions to reduce stress levels. Our emotional exploration doesn’t stop there, though. Today, I want to shine a light on the incredible power of validation when it comes to managing our emotional state.
You know, they say emotional pain hits your brain in a way similar to physical pain. And sometimes, those negative emotions we feel are rooted in something painful, even if there’s no visible wound or logical event to show for it. It’s like we’re caught in this loop of pain, running from it, feeling guilty for numbing ourselves, and trying all sorts of avoidant activities, but it just keeps coming back. But here’s some good news: Science is showing that validation can break that cycle. Yup, it can interrupt the whole thing and offer sweet relief. It seems so simple I was tempted to run over it and ignore it, but I’ve learned a thing or two since then, and it’s been helping me ease the sting of emotional stress ever since.
Now, let’s dive into the nitty-gritty. Validation can actually regulate our fight-or-flight mode. You know, that mode where there’s no room for logic, just survival instincts in all their irrational glory. We might slip into fight-or-flight even when there’s no ‘real’ threat – because our brain doesn’t differentiate. And when we’re in this mode, cortisol levels skyrocket. So how does validation help? Well, it helps bring us out of that intense mode and redirects the blood flow back to our prefrontal cortex – you know, that wise part of our brain that’s all about solutions and rational thinking. Today we’re focusing on the emotional side of things so we can get to the logic side in another post.
Here’s how such a scenario might go: a pain cycle that keeps going like a merry-go-round. You feel hurt, but no one seems to understand or get it at that pain moment. So what do you do? Survival mode kicks in and you grab the first escape route available – maybe you throw a tantrum, hide away feeling hopeless, or munch on comfort food for some serotonin release. But those temporary fixes don’t really fix anything. Nope, they just bring on more consequences, like feeling, abandoned, judged, gaining weight, or even having health issues. And that shame and self-hatred creeps in, making you feel stuck and helpless. So what’s the ‘logical’ next step in this emotional swirl? More of those unhealthy coping mechanisms, and round and round that cycle goes. That’s what it’s like when kids drive the car, chaos at the wheel!
But now imagine this: self-validation swoops in to save the day. To do this, imagine you’re the superhero version of you, the wise adult, the renewed self, and also the little you who’s yet to master logic. The way you buckle your little self into the car seat is by learning to make space for both parts of you and essentially being a good parent to your little emotional self. And knowing that you can learn to do that is good news!
When you hit one of those pesky pain points, there’s a way to break out of that loop. And you can do it at any point in the cycle because you can validate any emotion no matter where on the cycle you gain awareness. How? By recognizing your feelings, give yourself a nod of recognition, acknowledge those feelings, and offer yourself the validation you need. Of course it would be nice to have someone else perfectly tuned in to you doing the validating, but life isn’t always ideal like that. Here’s what’s nice about this – while we aim for those amazing relationships where validation flows both ways, you don’t have to twiddle your thumbs until that happens. It’s like knowing there’s an extra cushion of comfort waiting for you, even if your usual tribe isn’t around.
Remember those times when kids get all teary-eyed or throw a tantrum and can’t quite pinpoint why? It’s perfectly alright not to have the full screenplay of your emotions at your fingertips. Your emotions are like little heartbeats, and they’re valid, whether you’ve got the full story or just a snippet. Think of it like a kid who’s convinced there’s a monster lurking under their bed – that fear is genuine, even if it’s just shadows. It’s real enough to send their heart on a little rollercoaster ride. So, when you validate what you’re feeling, you’re saying, “Hey, I see you, even if you’re a bit of a puzzle right now.” It’s all about giving a nod to what you’re experiencing, no matter how intricate or simple. You are validating what you are experiencing, not whether it makes sense or not.
As you learn, one thing you will do well to remember is to resist comparing your pain. Your pain is valid, period. If you start downplaying it, or playing the “my pain isn’t as bad as theirs” game, you’re locking yourself in that pesky cycle. And tagging your pain with “oh, everyone goes through this” or “this is totally normal” doesn’t shrink its size. Pain is pain, no matter if it’s common or rare. It’s like they all line up at the validation counter, waiting for their turn. So, let’s give the boot to any awkwardness about feeling things intensely, and instead, roll out the welcome mat for all those emotions – even the ones that are like guests without name tags. Who needs fancy labels anyway? Just make some room for them, they’ll appreciate it!
I want to take a quick loop into how doing this can actually help you experience more of God’s comfort for yourself. The Bible assures us God is a comforting, understanding God and always near.
Some of us struggle to actually feel that divine comfort, even though we’re agreeing with the logic part of us. I’m no expert with all the answers, but I’ve stumbled upon a little something that might explain this tricky business at least a little. It’s like we’ve built this armor of self-protection, locked the gate, and even though God’s comfort is knocking, we’ve got this “no entry” sign up because we’re not being kind to ourselves. I found that when I started to give myself some of that self-love (just like the commandment – love your neighbor as yourself tells us to), it’s like I swung the gate wide open for God’s comfort to finally land too. I wonder if it might be something that might resonate with you as well. If you try this I would love to hear if you are starting to notice something similar.
When it comes to emotions, you all know we have a right and left side – logic on one side, emotions on the other. If I try to outsmart my emotions with logic, I could end up saying some really wise things, but they’ll probably just float by without much impact. It’s a classic move many of us pull, especially if we come from a Christian background – we whip out Bible verses like they’re magic spells. Don’t get me wrong, those verses are gold, and always will be, but it’s like using them too early in the game. And sometimes it’s simply a matter of using the wrong ones at the wrong time. It’s like trying to put a band-aid on a scraped knee without first giving it a gentle clean and a comforting hug.
Validation is more like a button that needs pushing so logic can be turned back on after the circuit has been tripped. So, let’s make validation our first step. Think of it as giving yourself a big, warm, compassionate hug – just like you would to a friend in trouble. Our emotions need the comfort. There will be time to investigate and problem solve with logic. It’s like pressing pause, huddling up with your emotions, and saying, “Hey, I’m here for you.” Remember, comfort first, solutions second.
Let’s look into what this validating language might sound like. Try these validating phrases on for size: “I imagine that…,” “I’m so sorry that…,” “It sounds like you felt…,” “Your feelings are real and valid,” and “You didn’t deserve x when…,” and plenty more where those came from. Don’t worry about memorizing these, just go with what feels like a nice fit for your situation.
I’m gonna walk you through a little example to paint the picture. So, imagine I’m having one of those days when I’m grappling with the immense struggles that my loved ones are facing. It’s like I want to wave a magic wand and fix everything, but the reality is I’m feeling pretty helpless. Now, here’s where those validating phrases come into play:
“That feels really overwhelming. I imagine you would love to fix every single problem right now and feel helpless that you can’t. I am so sorry that it’s so hard to watch others go through hard things and you can’t do anything. I feel angry that these things are happening to them. Of course this feels upsetting and stressful. I’m sorry how it’s impacting you so much.”
Does this start to make sense? I think my biggest hurdle with this was actually consciously starting to talk to myself! You’ll get used to it! I know I have! Feel free to borrow these phrases whenever you need that extra dose of compassion.
Validation is beautiful and powerful. It holds the key to shattering that painful cycle and showering yourself with the compassion you truly yearn for. Remember that you are significant, and so are your feelings. Grow in gentleness toward yourself and let validation become your go-to tool on this journey toward emotional healing. The more you do it the more natural it will become and the less cortisol you’ve got coursing through your body causing havoc. Also don’t forget, Jesus is intimately acquainted with every emotion you’re experiencing – he understands and walks alongside you. Just as Hebrews so comforting says, “For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things just as we are, yet without sin.” (Hebrews 4:15) You’re never alone on this path!
