Hey there, friends! As we gather again to travel into the intricacies of our emotions and patterns, I hope you’ve been finding some fascinating threads to unravel on your journey.
We’ve touched on recognizing patterns, those subtle, recurring themes that appear through our lives. You might have noticed, as you journal your way through feelings and experiences with the “what, when, where, why, and who” compass, that these patterns begin to reveal themselves. They aren’t always obvious, but when you spot them, when you pause and study them, they can unveil incredible insights.
If you’re wondering why these patterns even matter, you will get some answers today because that’s exactly what we’re here to explore. Discerning these patterns isn’t just about idle curiosity – it’s about finding the hidden dynamics shaping your emotional journey.
By gaining awareness and understanding, you open doors to transformation. So, as we navigate this topic together, I encourage you to continue to embrace the journey, celebrate every little victory, and remember that each step brings you closer to personal transformation.
So I hope you have made some promising strides in this fascinating exploration. Remember, understanding these patterns is a gradual process that requires patience and a commitment to awareness. While you continue your quest for self-discovery and observation, this blog aims to keep your thoughts headed in the right direction.
Understanding the intricate nature of these patterns, what fuels them, and why they exist is a deeply personal journey. Each pattern may have multiple roots, making it challenging to identify the core issue initially. Sometimes, we believe we’ve unearthed the main root, only to find the pattern persisting, which can be due to the time it takes to unlearn it, but it could also mean there are other hidden branches connected to the root that need our attention. This is where having someone to guide us can be immensely helpful. It can get confusing, and we might struggle to ask the right questions or pinpoint which root to explore. However, it’s essential to remember that God is by your side every step of the way. Lean on Him, seek His wisdom, and trust that He will provide the clarity you need on this intricate journey.
Just the other day, I noticed myself falling back into some familiar coping mechanisms that I thought I had moved beyond. These patterns seemed oddly familiar, and I found myself retracing the steps I had previously taken to address them. However, it felt like I was going in circles without making much headway. So, I decided to pause my personal investigation and simply spend some time in quiet reflection with God. Surprisingly, He revealed the underlying issue almost immediately. I share this experience to let you know that you might find yourself resorting to old coping mechanisms for various reasons, and it’s important not to lose heart if it seems like you’re still stuck in certain patterns. It’s not quite like peeling layers off an onion, but it is about recognizing that our survival mechanisms have become adept at reaching for past solutions to diffuse threats or pain of any kind. This doesn’t mean that your progress has been in vain or that your previous breakthroughs didn’t matter. More likely, you’re becoming increasingly aware and uncovering new nuances to address as you clean up the remnants of past issues that you weren’t aware of before.
Whenever I come across a recurring pattern in my life, my first instinct is to have a heart-to-heart with myself. I try to go deep and start asking questions. Is there a need I’m not addressing? Am I anxious about something on the horizon? Perhaps an old wound has been triggered, and if that’s the case, I want to understand it better. These introspective conversations help me gain clarity and insight into the patterns I’m experiencing.
Now, let’s revisit Alex’s situation where he frequently finds himself in conflicts with his family members. On the surface, it might seem like he simply needs to mature and accept that not everything revolves around him, right? After all, in life, we all have to navigate interactions with people who have their own ideas and opinions. But growing up may be needed in a different way than the phrase may usually be meant as. When Alex slips into his controlling pattern, I propose that he’s actually operating from a younger, more vulnerable part of himself. This part learned that in order to feel safe, he had to be in control. It raises questions like, “When else in my past have I felt so out of control?” For Alex, this awakens memories of helplessness when the adults around him were out of control, and he suffered. As a dependent child, what he needed most was safety and security, but sadly, that need went unmet. During that time, a part of him made a vow – no one would ever control him like that again when he grew up. It made perfect sense then. The theory suggests that the coping strategies we develop as children are shaped by our emotional maturity at that time. So, it’s understandable that these strategies are often one-sided. After all, no one taught him about communication skills or boundaries, and this was the best solution he could come up with back then. The only problem is that this mechanism became so deeply ingrained in his subconscious that whenever his system feels threatened, it defaults back to it, even as an adult.
One way Alex can begin to work with this pattern, when he notices himself slipping into it, is by using the tools we’ve discussed earlier. However, this time, he should also validate that little boy part of himself that felt so helpless and scared, the part that was desperately seeking safety – something the adults should have provided. As Alex becomes more self-aware and learns to regulate himself, returning to his best self, he can brainstorm ways to address his need for safety. He might discover that one of his core beliefs is that the only way he can be safe is by controlling everything and everyone, even using aggression if necessary. However, in his most regulated state, he realizes that this approach doesn’t create safety but rather alienation and more conflict.
This realization can prompt him to explore ways to grow in areas where he experienced a developmental halt and was still reverting to childhood coping methods. For example, he might decide to attend an assertiveness class to learn how to communicate effectively in a way that fulfills his need for safety and connection. Another belief he may uncover later is that he didn’t believe he was worth being considered or listened to, leading to his forceful approach to maintain control. It’s important to note that we all respond differently to such beliefs based on our unique makeup. So please don’t think this is the only possible answer to the behavior. If you recognize yourself in him or the other examples, please be sure to explore your own unique motivations based on your own history.
Let’s shift our focus to Samantha and her response to the idea of having free time, which triggers intense emotions leading her to fill her schedule with commitments. While there could be various explanations for this behavior, one common human tendency is to keep ourselves perpetually busy to avoid confronting the stillness that might bring up painful memories we’d rather not revisit or don’t know how to manage.
Samantha might find clarity by regularly asking herself what she’s afraid would happen if she didn’t constantly occupy herself with work. It’s best to do this in a low-pressure manner, just jotting down whatever thoughts come to mind and acknowledging them without judgment. By observing if similar fears consistently surface, she can start to decipher her underlying anxieties.
For example, she might uncover a fear that if she pauses, she’ll become insignificant, and someone else will rise to take her place. This could drive her compulsion to keep going to avoid losing her perceived value and importance. And if that is the case, she might want to reflect on where in her childhood she felt she had to compete as well and what it is she would have needed then. Alternatively, she might fear not knowing how to occupy her time because she’s always lived for others and hasn’t developed a sense of self, hobbies, or interests. It’s also possible she believes that if she stops, pain will overwhelm her like a tidal wave, and she won’t recover from it.
These are all plausible scenarios, and they might coexist within Samantha. However, she won’t truly understand her fears until she embarks on the journey of self-discovery. This journey typically won’t start until she confronts her fear of not working, even if she can’t pinpoint the exact nature of that fear.
This is a significant lesson for all of us. We often fear our fears because they appear daunting, like insurmountable giants. One effective approach is to identify the smallest fear we can and approach it with curiosity, saying, “Alright, fear of [insert specific fear], let’s see what you’re made of.” Sometimes, this might still feel too overwhelming. In such cases, consider asking yourself: What’s the worst thing that could happen if I defy this fear? What’s the best thing that could happen?
It can also be incredibly valuable to discuss these fears with someone else to gain perspective. Suppose you’re afraid of talking to a stranger. You might uncover that the worst-case scenario is feeling embarrassed and being ridiculed by the stranger. Exploring why this fear of being ridiculed is so distressing could lead you back to a childhood memory where you felt mocked, with no one to defend or protect you. Through this process, you might discover a core need: learning how to find inner safety, so the opinion of a stranger no longer paralyzes you.
Have you ever considered which fears you could dissect in this way to uncover their roots? It’s a valuable exercise in self-discovery and personal growth.
Let’s not forget Jasper in our exploration of patterns. He had a strong desire for community but often found himself withdrawing and complaining that it wasn’t meeting his expectations. If he were to delve deeper into this pattern, he might start by asking himself if there is something he is afraid of in going deeper into these connections. Jasper might recall a previous experience where he invested more in a community, only to encounter a lot of hurt, heartache, and struggle. It’s possible that he’s now afraid of reliving that pain and the potential cost of deeper involvement. Jasper’s story highlights another facet of these patterns – the fear of revisiting past pain can shape our responses and behaviors in the present.
Did you notice this is the common thread among Alex, Samantha, and Jasper? In each case, the fear of pain played a significant role in their responses and patterns. This fear of pain, while natural and protective, often leads us down a path of avoidance. However, what we may not realize is that our avoidance responses can, in themselves, create a different kind of pain. It’s a complex interplay between protecting ourselves from one form of pain while inadvertently subjecting ourselves to another. It’s like a hidden dance of emotions that we perform without even knowing it.
Here’s a thought I’d like to leave you with today, something I’ve found to be true in my own life. It might not be universally applicable, but it has held true for me. Everything we do and every choice we make comes with a cost, often in the form of some pain or discomfort. For example, consider the choice to wake up early in the morning for exercise and quiet time with God. It means I can’t stay up late like others who sleep in. However, looking ahead, to me, the pain I endure by waking up early pales in comparison to the pain I might experience if I didn’t invest in my health and spirituality. When life gets tough, I may suffer from health issues and feel distant from God because I didn’t cultivate my physical and spiritual well-being, deeming it too costly or painful at the time. Does that resonate with you? In essence, we all have a choice to make. Since pain is an inevitable part of life, and we have the power to choose the kind of pain we experience, will we opt for the pain that yields rewards in the long run, if not in this life, then certainly in eternity? Or will we choose the less noticeable pain now, only to face more pain in the future with no benefits to show for it? It’s a choice worth pondering.
Once we grasp the reality that, although there will always be circumstances beyond our control and events that happen against our wishes, there are also many aspects of life we can choose. When we accept that pain is an inherent part of this journey, it becomes clearer how we want to navigate it. We must decide which pain we are willing to confront and learn to manage effectively and which pain we should steer clear of. I hope this resonates with you. Perhaps you’ve come across the concise statement: “choose your hard.” So, which “hard” will you choose?
If you’re interested in embarking on this journey, and I’ll be upfront, it does require an investment of time and a willingness to confront certain fears and pains, I wholeheartedly invite you to get in touch. It would be my honor to accompany you on this voyage. I can personally vouch for its immense value, and I’m committed to continuing my own journey alongside you.
So, I hope you ponder this: In life, we’re bound to encounter pain, and there’s no way to avoid it entirely. Whether it’s the pain of discipline or the pain of regret, each path has its cost.
As you know, this is coming at the perfect time for me. To go back through hard stuff is not fun – but I’ve found it so cathartic in my journey toward healing! Thank you for being such an amazing influence in my life.
Thank you, Vickie! It’s such a blessing to be on this healing journey together! 💜