Hi! As we near the conclusion of this journey to reduce emotional stress and prepare to delve into methods for lowering cortisol through physical means, I thought it would be good to briefly touch on the influence of criticism, judgment, blame, and related factors on our stress levels. While I won’t be able to cover every aspect comprehensively, I’d like to share some insights that have helped me in approaching judgment in a more constructive manner.
This whole tendency to blame, accuse, judge, or criticize others—it’s a bit of a complex space, isn’t it? In the realm of emotional health, it often seems like we’re either the self-judgers or the ones passing judgment on everyone else. But let me tell you, it’s not as clear-cut as it appears. Personally, I’ve discovered that I can be quite hard on myself while, at the same time, holding a fair share of judgment for others, maybe even in the same or different areas of life. Oddly enough, it seems like having an inner critic, which it is often referred to, is somewhat more socially acceptable, especially in Christian circles, than having an outer critic. At least that’s how it’s seemed to me, and I’m curious if you’ve had similar thoughts or if your experience differs.
Anyway, regardless of whether we’re dealing with inner or outer judgments, stress creeps into both scenarios. And there are no gold stars for getting ‘the right’ answer here. So, let’s dive into both sides of this coin and explore how self-judgment and judgment of others tends to stir up stress and, more importantly, how we can dial it down when these judgments rear their heads. Keep in mind that this perspective is entirely subjective, born from my own journey of grappling with the impact of these judgments on my life.
You know, I’ve noticed that inner judging starts to rear its head when I catch myself comparing. We’ve delved deep into exploring the core reasons behind our actions, and comparing is definitely one of those things worth examining closely. Whenever I find myself comparing, it often takes me back to my childhood. It’s a place where I felt the need to constantly measure up, compete, and prove myself to gain recognition, love, and affirmation. It’s like my lens of self-worth was trained to believe that these things had to be earned by constantly measuring up.
When I compare myself negatively with others, it’s like I’m bombarded with unkind thoughts and attitudes towards myself. Sometimes, these thoughts aren’t even spoken aloud, but the message is crystal clear – I’m just not good enough. I might even have thoughts of failure, giving up, or questioning why I even think I have a chance. These voices crept in at some point, but as an adult, I can recognize these thoughts and choose not to agree with them.
As children, remember, we often make assumptions and conclusions, and they aren’t rooted in logic. We tend to assume that if something goes wrong, it’s because something is wrong with us, and it’s our fault. That’s where the concept of inner child work comes into play. If you’re not familiar with it, it might feel a bit unusual at first. I struggled with it myself for quite some time – the idea that there are ‘little me’s’ inside, seeking attention and care. But giving it a shot has actually been incredibly beneficial for me.
I love the sense of autonomy it gives me, knowing that I can travel back in time, so to speak, and speak affirmation, truth, and love to a part of me that got stuck in the past due to painful moments at specific ages and events. What’s truly beautiful is how I get to impart God’s truth about my worth in His eyes to that inner child who activates when I notice I’m hit with comparison.
I won’t dive into the specific details of how to do this in this post to keep it manageable, but always remember that the most effective way is to learn by doing. When working with clients, I guide them in recognizing and identifying these younger versions of themselves and show them how to bring love to these parts in the safety of one-on-one sessions.
Honestly, I’ve personally benefited immensely from having someone guide me through this process in real-time, and I’d like to extend an invitation to you. I’d love to meet with you and explore whether you’d be comfortable having me as your guide on this journey of learning to bring God’s love to yourself through yourself. Don’t hesitate to schedule a session or two to find out if we’re a good fit. Learning not only to know but to truly believe in your intrinsic worth and living from that place of worthiness can work wonders for your stress levels.
Another thing that often tips me off to inner judgment is when I start piling greater expectations on myself compared to what I expect from others. It’s like having a double standard for myself, and I’ve come to realize that this, too, is a form of judgment. Now, it’s a bit trickier because, of course, we genuinely want to hold ourselves to God’s high standards, even if others might not.
However, when that higher standard I set for myself turns into enforcement without love, patience, and compassion, it’s a clear sign that I’m harboring some judgments toward myself that need examining. Sometimes, we feel like we have to push through things that others don’t, and often, it’s because that’s how we learned to survive. In our minds, there might not have seemed to be any other option, especially because we felt threatened. And if no one was there to show us alternatives, we learned to push ourselves beyond healthy limits, all while not expecting anyone else to do the same. It’s easy to see how this can lead to an incredibly stressful way of life.
Recognizing when we’re being harsh and even merciless toward ourselves is the first step towards acknowledging that what we truly need is love to bring about change and transformation. Cultivating peace and self-love is a much more effective and healing approach than the opposite. Think of it as discovering the truth that we’ve bought into the lie that we can whip ourselves into shape, when in reality, it’s God’s love that transforms us and restores our true identity in Christ.
So, when we catch ourselves imposing great expectations on ourselves, let’s consider it an opportunity to dig deeper. It’s a chance to replace the old belief system that suggests we need a stick to make progress. Instead, we can work on giving ourselves grace and mercy, even if we didn’t learn it as a child. Remember, these qualities come before change, and they’re key to your transformation.
When it comes to those outer judgments, comparison often sneaks in once again, but this time it might wear the hat of blame rather than self-attack.
I’ve stumbled upon some profound insights through the Internal Family Systems model, which treats specific behaviors as individual parts of myself. It assumes that each of these behavior-parts has a valid reason for existing and works to protect the more vulnerable me – often referred to as the exiled child part of me – from further harm. So, these days, when I notice that judgmental or blaming attitude resurfacing within me, I’ve learned to step away from the shame that often accompanies it.
Instead, I hit the pause button and take the time to understand what that part might be trying to communicate. Now, I won’t be able to dive into all the details of this process in this post, but I can tell you that it has been a game-changer for me. It’s helped me cultivate a lot more compassion and kindness toward myself, which, once again, has paved the way for more growth and healing through this approach and a resulting reduction of stress.
If you’ve ever felt the weight of shame and kept your judgments hidden, fearing further judgment from others, I’d like to encourage you to be the first one to extend a hand to that part of yourself. Find out what it’s there to do for you, even if it’s not exactly helping you get better. Remember, there’s always a reason behind our behaviors, and understanding that reason can be a powerful step toward healing.
One important lesson I’ve learned is that feeling judgmental towards someone often indicates that I haven’t received the compassion or comfort I needed in a similar situation. So, I’ve made it a habit to ask myself, ‘Where have I been in a similar situation and lacked support or comfort?’
When I identify those moments, I bring love and care to those memories. This often involves reminding myself of the teachings of Jesus and inviting Him into the process. Now, as you’ve probably gathered, all of these possibilities require a fair bit of investigation, and sometimes it can be challenging to do it alone. It takes time, I won’t deny that.
I understand if it feels overwhelming or if you think it might require too much of your time. It is indeed an investment, and it demands some sacrifices to make real progress. However, let me tell you, once you experience those ‘aha’ moments and breakthroughs, you’ll find the motivation to keep going. You’ll celebrate every little step you take toward better health and wholeness. The journey is worth it, I promise.
When I find myself having high expectations of others and criticizing them for their shortcomings, it often has roots similar to what I’ve mentioned before. But sometimes, it’s because I lack the vision to see how I can take ownership of my own world rather than placing blame on others.
Sure, I might have had a bad teacher, but does that mean I can blame them for not learning what I need to learn? I’d say not. I can decide what I can do to still acquire the knowledge I need and want. This blame tendency tends to rear its head both towards myself and towards others.
Again, it’s likely a protective part of us, both the one doing the blaming towards me and the one inside me pointing fingers at others. But when I let go of the need to be right and instead look inward at my own inner world—the only world I truly have autonomy over—I will discover that there might be fears of failure that keep me from wanting to take ownership of what’s gone wrong.
Perhaps I feel unequipped, and it’s easier to blame someone else when, in my triggered state, I can’t see the possibilities for learning and growth. Blame comes with a depleting energy, and it doesn’t improve the situation. It’s like a constant energy drain in our lives.
On the other hand, facing the situation head-on will also cost energy, but it’s an investment that begins to cultivate hope and empowerment. This, in turn, helps reduce cortisol levels and brings positive change.
As you’ve probably noticed, any form of judgment or criticism tends to have a negative impact on our overall experience. So, it doesn’t even matter how it manifests in our lives; what’s key is becoming aware of where it shows up so we can begin the process of compassionately addressing it.
Think about the story of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery. He asked her, ‘Where are your accusers?’ and then told her, ‘Neither do I condemn you.’ It’s a powerful reminder that as we recognize judgment in all its various forms in our lives, we can choose to respond with compassion and kindness rather than condemnation, just as Jesus did.
This is a very helpful article and thought-provoking! I gained several new insights and perspectives with regard to criticism and blame. Thanks so much for sharing!